Pfizer Acquires Consulting Group PWC; Announces New Re-org Division

(AP)ril 1

NYC – Pfizer Pharmaceuticals announced today its boldest corporate move yet – the establishment of a top-tier group dedicated solely to re-organizing the company on a perpetual basis.

Citing a long-standing relationship with Price Waterhouse Coopers over the years during countless prior re-organizations, Pfizer CEO Ian Reed announced the acquisition by stating, “We’ve paid them a fortune over the years anyway – why not just bring them in-house?”

Pfizer, which last re-organized in Q1 2014, also engaged PWC to consult on corporate shuffling in 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009 (twice), 2008, 2007, 2006, and countless years before that. “Spin-offs, M&A, downsizing, new corporate jargon initiatives – we can no longer see these things as periodic in the new economy. Change is constant, and…..sorry, what’s that??? I no longer have a VP of R&D?? Ah, well, our newest division is already hard at work!”

PWC also actively helped 26 other pharmaceutical and biotech companies re-organize at least annually during the same time period. These companies will now have to figure it out on their own; or, worse yet, keep their current structure in place for a year or even more.

“We may have to deal with productive employees again, at least until we can find another re-org consultancy,” stated one unnamed president of a mid-tier pharmaceutical company. “I think our people will miss the endless turmoil and doubt of the monthly re-org meetings.”

“Like all of our peers, we’re really in two businesses,” declared Reed at the press conference to announce the acquisition. “Making drugs, and re-organizing. It just makes sense to have a permanent Division of Re-organization dedicated to the effort of optimizing our commercial human/technical footprint vis-a-vis current market opportunities.”

Asked how the new division would be organized, Reed deferred to the current leader of the PWC division, who could not be reached for comment during the current re-organization.

April 1 is known throughout the industry to be the “Spring Re-org Season,” generally kicking off around Opening Day of every new baseball season. Rumors that Pfizer was planning to spin off its OTC division and replace it with the New York Mets could not be confirmed.

(yes, it is April Fool’s Day)

Image credit: ponsuwan via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Two Minutes of Phriday Pharma Phun

This little animation on YouTube was so good I couldn’t help but share it. Pharma Creative Review. Enjoy!

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FDA Guidance Unveiled!

In a surprise end-of-year move, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued clear guidance about when it will issue guidelines about giving guidance for the use of social media in the pharmaceutical industry.

While industry pundits were expecting some form of actual guidance for the use of social media before year-end, FDA’s head fake and unexpected punt downfield left commentators scratching their blogs in confusion.

“This is a subject about which we must exercise an abundance of deliberation,” declared N. Tendto Stallmore, commissioner of pre-guidance guidance guidelines. “Before we give definitive tentative and ambiguous guidance, we first have to develop guidelines about that guidance-giving. As 2010 closes, we want to give you guidance now about that guidance-guideline process.”

When asked what precisely this pre-pre-guidance actually was, Mr Stallmore stated, “Well, it’s just going to take a while longer. We’ve had a year to consider the guidance-giving process, but the preliminary guidelines are still under internal review. Then there will be a period of public commentary on the guidelines for giving guidance, before we solidify those and then move on to the guidance itself. Right now we’re thinking 2Q, and you can fill in the year.”

Industry blogger and gadfly John Mack questioned whether social media would still even be around once this entire process was complete. According to Stallmore, “That is one of the scenarios we’re mapping out in the guidance-giving guidelines, which may push the process back even further, since we now have to develop course-correction guidance guidelines in case the marketplace changes at any step in the process. We’re expecting to employ a multi-variate co-extensive re-feedback null-defying loop to help us develop on-the-fly guidelines about guidance for the guidelines that will shape the guidance. Am I making ourselves clear?”

In other FDA news, it was announced that pre-marketing approval has just been granted for sulfa drugs.

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Impactiviti Daily April First, 2010

Note: Impactiviti Daily will return on Tuesday, April 6th, after a long weekend.

*****

TODAY’S NEWS

Steve Jobs and Apple announce launch of new iPadRx, a “touch-screen prescription pad for consumers” allowing instant 99-cent drug downloads from the iPharma store.

FDA will now simply “friend” new drugs on Facebook as part of “Operation Reset” (*see below).

Google releases new TortSearch utility for lawyers, allowing secret and complete 3-hour search of any corporate databases with advanced filtering algorithms that detect every incriminating word, act, or intent. Ten of the Top 15 pharmaceutical companies immediately declare pre-emptive bankruptcy.

Free ice cream today from Ben & Jerry’s, without even leaving your seat!

RECOMMENDED

Rudeness Training – You and your staff have been civil and polite long enough. It’s time to stand up, stand out, and tell people when you just can’t stand them! Contact us for recommendations and a fresh, personalized insult.

PLUS

*HUGE turn-around in Washington, DC – FDA Hits Reset Button, Approves Everything.

JUST FOR FUN

Starbucks introduces two nice sizes, just in time for spring!

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Happy April Fool’s Day!

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19 Seconds of Pure Joy

What happens when a 1-year old pup encounters her first serious snow of the season?

Pure joy. For everyone.

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Getting Coffee-Bombed

This week, I’ve been getting coffee-bombed. And am I happy about that? You bet!

You see, my favorite coffee of all time is found in Roanoke, VA – Mill Mountain Blend. They roast it right there on the premises in downtown Roanoke, and aroma is out of this world. It’s STRONG coffee, the way I like it!

While at the recent SPBT conference, I mentioned this fact to good friend Jim Dutton, President Emeritus of CMRI (Certified Medical Representatives Institute). I was pining for some Mill Mountain, not having had any for years. He assured me that this problem could be fixed.

Yesterday, a package arrived from my friends at CMRI with a bag of Mill Mountain. Immediately, of course, some of those delightful grounds of goodness went into the coffee maker so that this morning’s jolt would be fresh shot of Roanoke Rejuvenation.

Then, lo and behold, another package arrives this morning with another bag, ostensibly sent by a different member of the CMRI team! It sits right here, in my office, filling the space with delightful aromas redolent of the Star City.

Now I’m beginning to wonder how long this will go on. What will tomorrow bring? How many employees at CMRI are in on this coffee-bombing run? And will I finally be persuaded to call a realtor, flee NJ once and for all, and relocate to central Virginia, trading taxes and traffic for great java and BBQ? Stay tuned…(and to my friends at CMRI – THANKS!)

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After Hours 040309

Here’s a nice new way to get your Starbucks!

Like the idea of mini-projectors? Then you’ll like this!

Yes, it’s 5 1/2 minutes (video). Yes, you’ll be touched. Great story.

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Fred Hassan buys division of GM; launches Hummer Pharmaceutical

Fred Hassan, pharma’s turnaround artist, has taken on his biggest challenge yet, buying up a money-losing division of General Motors to turn it into a profitable pharmaceutical company, suitable for re-sale.

Fresh off his gig turning Schering into a suitor for Merck, Hassan decided that he wanted to make his final professional venture a glorious one, something never attempted before. “I helped lead Wyeth, turned Pharmacia into Pfizer-bait, now did the old ‘clean house and flip’ with Schering. It’s time to take on a complete loser of an operation in a dying industry and turn it into a healthcare dynamo.”

Hummer Pharma’s first drug, a rather large pill code-named the H4, is to be submitted later this year for FDA approval. H4 is a targeted treatment for business executives suffering from Takeover Stress Disorder (TSD), a condition marked by anxiety over job retention and bonus retraction. Pent-up demand on Wall Street and in Detroit indicates that H4 may be a blockbuster, particularly in light of projections that the federal government will have taken over most industries by the time Phase III studies are complete.

Also in the pipeline is H5, the first armored pill for Legislative Incompetence Syndrome. Lobbyists have already begun approaching members of Congress for fast-track approval of the drug without review, since they seem to do a lot of that lately.

All executives at Hummer Pharma will drive – well, Hummers – that are currently languishing in inventory, until the manufacturing transition is complete. Details as to how a bunch of sheet metal factories would be churning out medications were not available as this story was filed, but hints were contained in a secret memo that UAW workers would be forcibly enrolled in Phase 1 safety and crash testing.

Rumors were already circulating as to who would take over Hummer Pharma once the transition to a healthcare company is complete. AIG Pharma, headed by Barney Frank, seems to be the leading early contender.

Oh…and Happy April 1st!

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After Hours 022009

Endless Interestingness – an endless collage of images pulled from Flickr. Cool idea. Hat tip: Guy Kawasaki.

The Crisis of Credit visualized. What happened to our financial markets? This simple, entertaining, and informative animation explains the blow up. Well worth a few minutes of your time. Hat tip: David Armano.

The “blog” of “unnecessary” quotation marks. Fun pictures of a “real annoyance”.

The Top 25 things you didn’t know about Facebook’s Terms of Service (will only be understood by Facebook users!)

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After Hours

Happy skies, part 1, part 2.

Really bad timing.

Templar University.

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