(Press Release embargoed until April 1) – ooops! Sorry….
In response to the endless backlog of work, and the constant carping of all of its constituents, FDA Chief Dr. “Big Maggie” Cheeseburg decided that the best way to clear things up was to do one massive, sweeping approval of everything on the docket and just start over.
“It’s like one of those Unification Church weddings.” said Ms Cheeseburg. “We told every staffer to just line up everything they have, and we stamped ‘Approved‘ on all of it. No muss, no fuss, no questions asked. Just call me Queen of Reset!
“The President appointed me with a charge to just ‘get it done.’ Looks like my job is done here. Can I be a Czar now?”
According to sources within the FDA, every drug that has been submitted for approval over the last 5 years is now fully approved for immediate marketing, no matter how tenuous the data. “‘Let the market decide’ is the new mantra here,” admitted one staffer who refused to be named. “Why should we go through all that paperwork hassle? If companies went to the trouble of submitting those piles of documentation for approval, then the drug must be OK. If not, we’ll all find out later.” Asked about potential patient deaths that might occur from unproven drugs, the source replied, “What? You’ve never heard of a mulligan?”
Drug manufacturers were ecstatic, especially over indications that any new drug approval applications submitted over the next 45 days would also be rubber-stamped as part of the Clear the Docket! holiday. Submissions included DarKissitor heart treatment from Hershey Pharmaceuticals, Cephalon’s ReVigil for nodding off during Cubs games, and GSK’s inhalable lung treatment Oxygenulate as add-on therapy with Advair Diskus.
Another inside source indicated to blogger/model Fabio that as of April 1st, all restrictions on social media marketing would be lifted. “The FDA will give no further guidance regarding on-line marketing because we just don’t care anymore. Say what you want. Talk among yourselves and leave us alone, for crying out loud. What are we, hallway monitors??”
It was reported that a Facebook Fan page for Wyeth immediately appeared, with a list of all their drugs by name, accompanied by a single-choice “Dislike” button. Comments were posted from on-line friends and fans such as Vladmir Putin, Sandy Cheeks, and the male model Fabio. It was later determined that the page was put up by an employee of another leading pharmaceutical manufacturer, who had forgotten that they had recently acquired Wyeth. The same rogue employee deneighed launching a Premarin the Mare Twitter account.
Belatedly, the FDA also voted unanimously to approve President Obama’s health overhaul, in exchange for another $100 billion of discretionary spending and weekend rides on Air Force One for staffers and their families.