In a shocking new development which has organic farmers rejoicing nationwide, Behemoth Pharmaceuticals President J.P. MacRost announced this week that his company is releasing new “free-range” Vytorin to deal with both sources of Vytorin angst – pharma and phraud.
“We’ve been secretly working on our all-natural, free-range version for quite some time, “stated MacRost at a hastily assembled news conference. “Our plan was to release it in the fall, after we’d gotten all the feed stock stored up for the winter, but with the recent Vytorin hubbub, involving lack of efficacy and possibly questionable stock sell-offs, we decided to put our organic product out on the market right now.”
Free-range Vytorin ranch in Ploughville, Montana
“With free-range Vytorin, you get to lower your cholesterol without worrying about artery thickness, changed endpoints, or Steve Nissen’s pronouncements over at that Cleveland Clinic place. All you get is 100% natural Vytorin, grown and raised on our pure Montana rangeland. You don’t even need those pesky doctor permission slips – we ship free-range Vytorin directly to your doorstep, in plain cardboard packaging,” declared MacRost.
Kevin Trudough, consumer crusader and author of the upcoming volume “Two Sources of Pharma Phraud – Me and Them,” had this to say about the announcement of a free-range version of Vytorin; “Anything natural is better than stuff churned out by these evil pharmaceutical companies, and I wholeheartedly endorse this wonderful new source of Vytorin. In fact, if you buy one bottle, you get my prior bestselling book free, Natural Cures that Aunt Bessie and the Pasta Industry Didn’t Want You to Know About. Plus, Behemoth will also include a sample bottle of pesticide-free Plavix, absolutely free if you order before midnight tonight and pay by credit card.”
Asked about FDA clearance for these all-natural versions of commercial pharmaceuticals, MacRost replied, “Of course, none of these statements have been evaluated by the FDA, and we make no claims to cure any medical condition. But if you want to lower your cholesterol, reduce the chance of getting heart attacks and avoid using Dr. Jarvik’s artificial heart, then you definitely want our FDA-approved free range Vytorin. And remember, call right now and we’ll include a free Rezulin squishy beer can cozy, absolutely free while supplies last.”