In a surprise move today, the heads of the Top Twenty Big Pharma companies announced that all mistakes, scandals, negative side effects, approval delays, and “other bad staff” would all be outsourced to the tiny country of Sri Lanka. “Frankly, we’re sick of dealing with it all,” said Hank McSpinnell, President and CEO of the new Offshoring Umbrella Union (OffUU). We’ve got pills to manufacture, and profits to make…who’s got time for all these unsavory issues? We’re fed up to here with politicians taking potshots from Washington D.C., snippy pharma bloggers exposing our wrongdoing, and disgruntled sales reps firing away at us in CafePharma.com. We might even ship some of them out, too – then let’s hear them whine about their company camel!
The ceremonial first box of “bad stuff” is delivered to Mr. Rajapharma from Mr. McSpinnell
The President of Sri Lanka, Mr. Mahendra Rajapharma, was ecstatic about being chosen as the new home for negative pharma issues. “Some might view this as becoming a dumping ground, but we see it as a growth market. What is growing faster these days than negative P.R., vitriolic attacks, frivolous lawsuits, and overpaid executives? All we have to do is skim 5% off the top and we’re set for the next millennium!” Mr. Rajapharma did express concern at the possible flood of refugee lawyers seeking citizenship in his country, but he figured that a mandatory 2-year tour of duty shoveling yak dung should help pay for the transition, at no expense to the country, since they already seem to be trained in the practice anyway.
The first shipment of negative side effects – mostly heart palpitations, but also a few kidney lesions and one or two bladder infections – foundered off the coast of Indonesia on its way to Sri Lanka due to unforeseen side effects. However, it will be followed next week by 300 black box warnings, several FDA officials, and possibly Forest Labs – “Nobody can stand looking at their ugly logo any longer,” according to Mr. McSpinnell. It has been rumored that a bound and gagged whistleblower or two may be included as well.
The OffUU is reportedly also scouting toxic waste dump locations overseas for bad quarterly earnings reports and Corporate Integrity Agreements.
The Pharma Side, August 30, 2007
Copyright 2007 Impactiviti LLC